My job

Life is wonderful. God has blessed me tremendously. I have gone through these past few months (well, really past year) for a reason! Praise God for His faithfulness, even when I'm not faithful. I don't understand His love for me. I don't deserve anything!
I started my job on Monday, and I LOVE it. I am doing math intervention at the school that I worked at last year, and my experience so far has been so much more positive than it was last year. The person that I work with is awesome! Currently, my job is pretty easy and stress free. I am working (with the MI teacher) to pilot a new assessment for the kinder and 1st grade teachers. Then, once the assessment is done, the teachers will begin doing interventions in the classroom (with our help for now). After that is done, then we can begin pulling them out of the classroom for interventions. This is a new program, and takes a lot of work on the teachers part, so they are struggling with the idea. The point is to keep the kids in their classroom as much as possible (pulling them out is sometimes harder because then they miss what's going on and it's a spiraling effect). Our job is to help them in that process. Once the assessments are done, my job is to input the grades onto this website, and we will get charts to see which kids are low, average, and high and in what areas, so we know how to help them. Anyway... it's very different than what I imagined I would be doing, but I'm learning a LOT.
I'm sure you really don't care to read about the details of my job, but to me it's pretty cool. I know that I was supposed to do this! Everything happened at the exact perfect moment. I was supposed to only work part time for a short period so that I could do this job. Next year, I will probably be a full time teacher, but this is a great way to begin.
The pregnancy is going pretty well so far... to read about that, go to http://motherof2croslands.blogspot.com. I try not to be too detailed on my regular blog because some people don't want to read about certain things :). A lot of times I forget that I'm even pregnant because I have so much going on! But, I am quickly reminded!

GOD IS GOOD!

I found out on Wednesday that I'm pregnant!!! And, I was offered a job in the same day! I was also called for an interview at a different school!! God is GOOD!

Robert and I decided on Monday that because of our financial situation, the preschool wasn't going to suffice. So, we decided that I would start looking for a job. We also decided that we would wait to try for another baby, maybe a year or two (God was probably laughing at us!). Anyway, I went into the school that I used to work for, and the principal is looking for someone to do math intervention (basically the pay of a permanent sub). It wouldn't be a "full time teaching job," but it would get me back in there. Next year she's moving to a new school, and I would pretty much have my choice between the two schools!! Then, yesterday, I got a call from another school (well, a message) to interview there (it's in the same district). It's also not a full time teaching position, but it's possibly closer to one. It's a math intervention teacher 1/2 time position. I'm going to call today to get more info about that. And, I found someone to watch Karis (and the new baby!) from home, that I'm comfortable with, and have known for years. God is Good!!

I didn't think that I wanted to work full time, but I truly miss being in the schools. As much as I love the people that I work with at the preschool, I'm not really a preschool teacher... it just feels like babysitting to me. I want to TEACH! I will miss being able to spend the day with Karis though... it will be an adjustment :(. But, I know that God is providing the things that we need, so I'm trusting Him! I need to just suck it up! :)

After I was offered the job at the school I worked at last year, I found out I was pregnant! (actually, late that night!) I'm still in complete shock.

What will people think?

As a woman, I have spent my entire life comparing myself to others. “Mommy, am I fat?” I asked my mom as I lifted “weights” at the age of four. Over the years, through the magazines, TV, internet, even just being around others, my fears of not measuring up have grown to new levels. I tend to live my life by what others think (or what I think they think). Through years of anxiety issues, every bad circumstance has become all that I can think about. With the question of how can I better myself and create a healthier environment for my family, I feel like I don’t measure up to the perfect person that I desire to be. I have constant guilt that I don’t do things the way this person does them, or this person does them.
As an individual, the things that I focus on are that I need to lose weight. I need to wear a smaller size and get rid of this “baby belly.” I need to exercise more, I need to eat better. I need to read more, I need to learn more, I need to be a better friend. I need to be a better wife, mother, daughter, grand daughter. I need to have it all together. I need to stop judging others. I need to stop worrying.
As a wife, I need to love, serve, and support my husband better. I need to keep the house clean, food cooked (and it be good!), be more organized, and stop nagging my husband. I need to trust him with everything and allow him to be the leader of the family.
As a mother, I need to spend more time with my daughter. I need to play with and teach her all day long. I need to discipline her better. I need to be more consistent. I need to hold her more. I need to love her better. I need to take her outside more. I need to feed her better. I need to be more patient with her.
As a follower of Christ, I need to make sure that I am always following God’s will. My fears are, what happens when I miss the mark and make a mistake? Will my whole life fall apart? How can I overcome my mistakes, when they are constantly staring me in the face?
Through all of the hard circumstances, I am truly beginning to understand how much I am loved by God. All He wants is an intimate relationship with me, and for me to trust Him and His will. Why is that so hard to let go and give control to my savior? A savior that is so amazing that there are no words to describe Him.
I am never going to be perfect, people are always going to judge me for what I do or don’t do, I will probably always judge others, and I will always struggle with anxiety because this is my “thorn.”
It’s at the moments that I feel like I can’t go on anymore that I feel the power of Jesus lifting me up. My anxiety causes something that I wouldn’t have otherwise- the need to have complete reliance on Jesus Christ.
The more I run away from Jesus and try to take control, the more my life is going to be out of control. The more I try to handle things on my own, the more space I create between me and Jesus, and between Robert and me.
The more difficult situations that I push through with the power of Jesus, the stronger I become.
I can’t just keep running away when things get hard. My anxiety won’t get better just because a specific circumstance changes. The more I allow Jesus to be the one to control those circumstances, the more I will see His power in my life. This will decrease my anxiety, and increase my faith and trust in Him.
It’s okay that I’ve made mistakes, and that my mistakes are causing problems now. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love me, it just means that sometimes mistakes cause consequences, and I just have to deal with those consequences. My past mistakes with getting into debt are causing a lot of problems now. God doesn’t hate me because I got into debt, I just have to live a much more simple life now because of that. Is that really a bad thing, though? I have to spend each and every day trusting God to provide. I have to trust that we will eventually get past this, with the power of Jesus, if we really want to and choose to live in a way in which we can. I have to give up some things that I wouldn’t have to otherwise, but that’s okay. Who needs a bunch of “things” anyway? I have an amazing family, amazing friends, and an amazing Savior who loves me more than anyone. That’s all I need. Who cares what other people think.

There is a Reason

Caedmon's Call

late at night I wonder why
sometimes I wonder why
sometimes I’m so tired
I don’t even try
seems everything around me fails
but I hold on to the promise
that there is a reason

late at night,
the darkness makes it hard to see
the history of the saints
who’ve gone in front of me
through famine, plague and disbelief
His hand was still upon them
cause there is a reason
there is a reason

He makes all things good
He makes all things good
there’s a time to live
and a time to die a time
for wonder and to wonder why
cause there is a reason
there is a reason
i believe in a God who sent
His only son to walk upon
this world and give His life for us
with blood and tears on a long, dark night
we know that He believed that
there is a reason
there is a reason

for the lonely nights
and broken hearts
the widow's mite
in the rich man's hand
and the continent whose blood
becomes a traitor for
the child afraid to close their eyes
the prayers that seem unanswered
there is a reason there is a reason