Sunday, October 7, 2007

What will people think?

As a woman, I have spent my entire life comparing myself to others. “Mommy, am I fat?” I asked my mom as I lifted “weights” at the age of four. Over the years, through the magazines, TV, internet, even just being around others, my fears of not measuring up have grown to new levels. I tend to live my life by what others think (or what I think they think). Through years of anxiety issues, every bad circumstance has become all that I can think about. With the question of how can I better myself and create a healthier environment for my family, I feel like I don’t measure up to the perfect person that I desire to be. I have constant guilt that I don’t do things the way this person does them, or this person does them.
As an individual, the things that I focus on are that I need to lose weight. I need to wear a smaller size and get rid of this “baby belly.” I need to exercise more, I need to eat better. I need to read more, I need to learn more, I need to be a better friend. I need to be a better wife, mother, daughter, grand daughter. I need to have it all together. I need to stop judging others. I need to stop worrying.
As a wife, I need to love, serve, and support my husband better. I need to keep the house clean, food cooked (and it be good!), be more organized, and stop nagging my husband. I need to trust him with everything and allow him to be the leader of the family.
As a mother, I need to spend more time with my daughter. I need to play with and teach her all day long. I need to discipline her better. I need to be more consistent. I need to hold her more. I need to love her better. I need to take her outside more. I need to feed her better. I need to be more patient with her.
As a follower of Christ, I need to make sure that I am always following God’s will. My fears are, what happens when I miss the mark and make a mistake? Will my whole life fall apart? How can I overcome my mistakes, when they are constantly staring me in the face?
Through all of the hard circumstances, I am truly beginning to understand how much I am loved by God. All He wants is an intimate relationship with me, and for me to trust Him and His will. Why is that so hard to let go and give control to my savior? A savior that is so amazing that there are no words to describe Him.
I am never going to be perfect, people are always going to judge me for what I do or don’t do, I will probably always judge others, and I will always struggle with anxiety because this is my “thorn.”
It’s at the moments that I feel like I can’t go on anymore that I feel the power of Jesus lifting me up. My anxiety causes something that I wouldn’t have otherwise- the need to have complete reliance on Jesus Christ.
The more I run away from Jesus and try to take control, the more my life is going to be out of control. The more I try to handle things on my own, the more space I create between me and Jesus, and between Robert and me.
The more difficult situations that I push through with the power of Jesus, the stronger I become.
I can’t just keep running away when things get hard. My anxiety won’t get better just because a specific circumstance changes. The more I allow Jesus to be the one to control those circumstances, the more I will see His power in my life. This will decrease my anxiety, and increase my faith and trust in Him.
It’s okay that I’ve made mistakes, and that my mistakes are causing problems now. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love me, it just means that sometimes mistakes cause consequences, and I just have to deal with those consequences. My past mistakes with getting into debt are causing a lot of problems now. God doesn’t hate me because I got into debt, I just have to live a much more simple life now because of that. Is that really a bad thing, though? I have to spend each and every day trusting God to provide. I have to trust that we will eventually get past this, with the power of Jesus, if we really want to and choose to live in a way in which we can. I have to give up some things that I wouldn’t have to otherwise, but that’s okay. Who needs a bunch of “things” anyway? I have an amazing family, amazing friends, and an amazing Savior who loves me more than anyone. That’s all I need. Who cares what other people think.

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