Yesterday during worship, God kept asking me a question over and over again... "Do you trust me? Do you trust me?" I say that I do, and I think I do most of the time, but I really wonder if I do. I constantly try to take things into my own hands and He has really shown me lately that it doesn't work. Robert and I have no idea what to expect even next week, and I know that God wants it that way. The only way to get through is to learn to trust Him. To know that He knows what's best and He has a plan. I have been frustrated with Him because in my eyes He wasn't providing for us. All of our bills have constantly been late (not because we want to!) and we don't have enough money to cover our expenses (we've been paying bills late in order to buy food and gas). To me, it felt like God was just hanging us out to dry. I was angry and didn't want to praise Him. I see how He has provided for friends and family by randomly giving them money from people, and that has never happened to us. It's selfish to think that way, but I'm human.
I don' t know how, but things are working out this month. I don't know what next month looks like, but if He was able to make this month (the worst so far!) work out, then I know next month will too! It looks like we might be able to buy a few gifts for Karis even! And go to a movie for our anniversary! Those things aren't much, but it's a huge jump from where we were a few weeks ago. Praise God for His provision. I don't know why I doubt and why I don't trust, but it is difficult when things just keep getting worse. He is stripping everything away until I am completely dependent on Him. I still don't know how we're going to get my transmission replaced, but again, I know God will provide.
We have no idea what's going to happen after the 1st of the year... we're just living each day with a vague idea of the week and we'll go from there! That's all we can do.