Saturday, January 8, 2011

Re-Evaluating Life and Further Refining My Call

I was naive to think that the week after Christmas would be cake.  Not only did I have the opportunity to do abbreviated lessons, I had two weeks off of rest, have family time, and spend alone time with my hubby.  I figured since we all had some time off (including the students), that everyone would be rested and ready to go! 

Boy was I wrong!

Monday went well.  The students were responsive, paid attention, and listened well.  I was ready to be back into some routine.

Tuesday... not so much.  We all had a rough day Tuesday... Wednesday was better, but then Thursday and Friday were rough.  In fact, I had a small anxiety attack yesterday.

For me, the biggest thing that I struggled with was not being home with my kids.  I went from seeing them all the time to not seeing them much at all again.  Monday and Tuesday I got home after dark.  I saw Levi for maybe 30 minutes to an hour those nights.  Evenings were exhausting and stressful.  It's tough to come home after working for 9-10 hours then sitting in traffic for 40 minutes or so to jumping right into taking care of the kids. 

I'm at a crossroads right now in which I have to decide whether this is God's call on my life, or I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be and God is trying to make that obvious.  Either I need to re-think what I'm doing, or God is further refining my call.  I LOVE my job, but no matter how much I love my job, if it negatively impacts my family, something needs to change.  Now, I'm definitely not saying that it means I need to leave right now.  I wouldn't do that to my students.  But, I'm re-evaluating what will happen next year.  

What's interesting is that Tuesday I had an awful day... all I wanted was to move to the suburbs and live a comfortable, cushy life, working with kids that don't need a lot of help and intervention (the majority of our kids are reading below grade level... which makes life interesting!).  That night into the next day, I felt that God was making it clear that despite how hard it is, this is my calling, and He's calling us to live there.  That we aren't called to live comfortable, cushy lives.  Robert had the same confirmation.  Then the rest of the week I felt so much attack!  So I'm pretty sure it's just spiritual warfare...

I've stayed home with the kids... many times... and everytime I decide that being a stay at home mom isn't for me.  But when I work, I have constant guilt. 

As I've been re-evaluating things, I have thought about what is best for my kids.  Is it best for them to be at home with a very stressed out mama, or to be in "school"?  The kids have grown so much in school.  Who they are now is so much different from who they were even a few months ago.  When I'm home with them, as much as I have good intentions, I don't spend much time teaching them.  I don't spend much time playing with them.  Or working with them.  So, really, I feel it is best for them to be doing what we're doing.

I have to remind myself that once we get into our own home, life will change drastically.  As much as my in-laws have made their house a home for us, it's still not our home.  It's hard to just let the kids go free.  They don't have a yard that we can send them out to.  We don't have a kitchen on the same floor as our living area, so it's tough to cook/bake.  AND, if we find a house in the area where I work, I will be home in 5 minutes instead of 40-50 minutes!  So, life will be much different.  I think I'm at a point in my life in which I just need to be patient and wait for God's plan to be made known.  Bumps in the road are normal.  My dad reminded me that I can't want to leave just because it's hard.  Life is hard.  If I leave everytime something gets hard, I will NEVER stick anything out.  He reminded me that in a few years, life will be so different.  The kids will start really helping out with things around the house.  The kids will be old enough to be more independent.  This stage of life is just hard, no matter what.  If I stayed home it would be really hard too.  Life is just hard.  Life is full of bumps in the road.  Unfortunately, there is sin in the world so until we are Home, life will be difficult. 

Yesterday would have also been my brother's 30th birthday... so that was another thing that made the day difficult.  That's pretty self-explanatory.  I miss him.  I wish that I could have helped him more.  I wish that he could have seen all that he had.  But, that won't ever change... so all I can do is continue living life.

We found a house that we are looking into more.  It's a foreclosure, so even though it's worth about $150k, it's being sold for $81k.  And, I have been told that our approval for an FHA loan is sufficient.  We can use an FHA loan on it.  We have looked at it outside, and we have looked through all the windows, but we haven't walked through it.  From what we can tell, someone updated it a couple of years ago, but they did it pretty cheaply :).  Instead of stripping and re-finishing the wood floors, they just put cheap laminate on top.  But, that's not a big deal.  That's something that can be re-done eventually.  My realtor is out of the country, but she's working on finding someone to take us to look at it.  Spending $81k on a house would be wonderful!  Our payment would be so low... which would be nice!  A low payment would provide us with a lot of flexibility!  And, it's in the right schools and the neighborhood is pretty good (for that area anyway).  We'll see what happens.  Here is a link to pictures of the house: Clinton House.

I'll probably have more to say later.  My brain is moving a million miles a minute right now... I'm spending a lot of time thinking/praying through things... and God is at work.  I'm thankful for the life that the Lord has given me, despite the challenges. 

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