Friday, August 7, 2009

Despite my selfish outlook...

Last night, at the camp, we had our "SMT Banquet." SMTs are the summer missions team, who are our college summer staff.
I needed last night to remind me why we are here. So many SMTs, team servants (our high school volunteer program), Wayland Rec team members (a rec team from a Christian college here in Texas), resident volunteers (retired volunteers who live here), and full time staff stood up and talked about all that God had done in them and through them this summer. It really opened my eyes to what God is doing here. Apparently, God has changed a lot of lives here this summer :).
You see, despite my selfish outlook, God IS moving here. God IS being glorified here. God IS using his servants to bring others to Him. It's so tough being the wife of a staff member with young children because I don't see all of that. I don't have the opportunity to be part of that, so I just assume that the things that drive me crazy are all that's going on. Boy was I wrong. Just this past week alone, there were 70 kids who made decisions for Christ. How amazing. Why doesn't that energize me like it used to, though? Because I'm allowing Satan to use my weaknesses to bring me down... to make me frustrated... to be angry and bitter...
I am determined that instead of looking at the things that are hard (because it IS hard being in camp ministry... well, ministry in general), I will look at how God is being glorified here. I need to stop looking at the things that need to change, and look more at the things that are going right... being prayerful about both.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't go to sleep. I was just thinking and thinking about all the things that people said, all the things that I've been missing, and how I can make changes in my heart.
Now, if I can just figure out how to get more involved, get to know the summer staff, and serve God here also... I will get there :). Next year will be hard too because I will have a 3 month old when it all begins... on top of 2 other children. So, I will just pray all year that God will give me the strength and power to get through, and that He will help me to see all that He is doing here and not be frustrated.
I'm also not saying that this place is perfect. There are many things that could change, and I still think should change. But, I will just have to rest in the fact that He is ultimately in control, and He is the only one who can make those changes... if He chooses to!

I think a lot of my stress this summer has been related to pregnancy... I think my hormones, nausea, and exhaustion has weakened me... I hope that I start to feel more like myself soon :). (I promise I'm not blaming my ugly attitude on my pregnancy... it just makes it worse...)
I'm probably a lot harder on myself than I should be, but sometimes I'm ashamed at my attitude. I hate when I put myself and my needs before others... and I've been doing that.
Anyway... I will move on now :). I just wanted to share the changes that God is making in my heart. I know that this will be tested, and probably soon... so I just have to pray and stay in God's word for strength.

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