Saturday, April 16, 2011

Rough Few Weeks

These few weeks have been rough in many ways.  I just keep having to remind myself... just 7 more weeks of school and it's SUMMER! 
And... life is just hard.  Period.  No matter what the circumstances are.  If I've learned anything over the past year, it's been that. 
I've also learned that every situation is either orchestrated or allowed by God to teach and mold us... sometimes that's hard to accept :). 
A quote that I read in My Utmost for His Highest that keeps sticking out to me is: "Commit to God whatever burden He has placed on you. Don't just cast it aside, but put it over onto Him and place yourself there with it. You will see that your burden is then lightened by the sense of companionship. But you should never try to separate yourself from your burden."

Wow... All my life I strive to get "rid of" my burdens... instead, I should just spend time with Jesus, do what He has called me to, and allow Him to lighten the load.  I walk around all of the time with a knot in my stomach just worried about everything... I know what my "burden" is, and I've struggled with it most of my life: anxiety.  And I've had good moments and hard moments with it... but for the most part, I work hard to try to rid myself of it.  But I've come to the conclusion that it's part of who I am... part of who God made me to be.  And that anxiety makes me rely on Him. 
In the midst of conflict, as humans, we focus on why we're right and why the other person is wrong.  Something that I've realized the past few days is that it just doesn't really matter.  No one is perfect, so there is right and wrong in every conflict.  In the midst of conflict, the best thing that anyone can do is use it to grow and better themselves.  The more we focus on why we think we're right and why the other person is wrong, the conflict is pointless. 
So, I'm taking the conflict that I've had recently, the struggle with trying to do everything and fit everything in, the fact that I miss my kids, and all of my exhaustion and stress, and I lay it at His feet.  I am right where I am because He wants it that way... Sometimes I wonder why He would have me at a place in which I'm working so much... then I realize that it's not about understanding why, it's about just doing as He has planned and do it with all my heart.  I may not know all that He is doing through me until I'm with Him in heaven... and that's okay.  I know that He's God and He sees the big picture. 
I'm thankful for those little moments in which God reminds me that it's not about ME.  With anxiety comes self-focus... and with self-focus comes selfishness.  And with selfishness comes pride.  It's a downward spiral.  And God could shout in my face and tell me how wrong I am and tell me how selfish I am.  Instead, He shows me love, mercy, and forgiveness, and He just quietly whispers in my ear: it's not about you.  Nothing in this world is about me... It's about knowing HIM and making HIM known.  So, I pray that when people see me, they see HIM.

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