Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Fog is Lifting... Struggling with Some things

All of the changes and tough parts of this past year have really been catching up to me lately... probably because I'm so exhausted.  Thoughts/memories of my brother flood my mind often... especially when I'm trying to sleep.  I have dreams about him often.  Memories of our childhood (he was my only sibling), the few years before his death when he was at my house all the time, and his gruesome suicide are in my mind often.  I wish I had more time to journal... and I really wish I had time to go to a counselor because I really feel like it would help me.  I think the fog that I experienced for so long is lifting...
I watched a video a few weeks ago that has been circulating around facebook... and it really impacted me.  In fact, I still have it in my head often.  I just happened to watch it while I was at my parents' house... which made it even harder.  It was a VERY graphic video to get people to drive safer... but for some, I think it's not worth watching.  It showed people (including children and babies) getting killed by bad drivers and the music that went with it was in my head for a long time.  It just really brought my brother's death to life, and made me fear for my family's life even more than ever.  It also made it more and more clear just how short this life is.

Add to that my need to be perfect at everything, and call me a stressed mama.  I just have a hard time letting things go... I want to be a perfect mom, wife, and teacher.  And unfortunately I can't do it all.  And I'm wearing myself down fast.  And I'm not spending time with Jesus like I would like because I'm up at 5 to get myself ready, then to get the kids ready, and be out of the house by about 6:15/6:30.

I miss the camp... as I knew I would... We didn't leave out of bitterness but out of following God's plan and doing what we knew He wanted us to do... even though we knew it would be hard.  And I'm glad that we followed His plan because He has opened so many doors... but it's still a HUGE change.  I miss the community that we had there... We probably won't ever have anything like that here.  I'll get used to things, we'll find where we fit in, and we'll have more routine eventually, but for now, it's tough.

And as I mentioned before... My job is so stressful but I love it at the same time... it's rough.  I think much of the pressure that I feel, I put on myself.  I work too much... I try to make everything perfect... I'm trying to get ahead on lesson planning, which in turn, makes me not as prepared for tomorrow because I'm focusing on getting ahead.  I know that as I get more into a routine and especially when we have our own home, it'll get better, but again, for now, it's rough.
I guess I'm just a little frustrated because I thought I was finally hitting a point in my life in which I had a breath of fresh air, then I realized that the trials are still there... they're just different.  And as I've mentioned before... All I can do is allow Jesus to carry me because I'm thinking trials will always be there.  That's part of life.

So all I can do is ask Jesus to help me learn to let go of what I need to let go of, carry me through the things that I can't let go of, and learn to enjoy the days that He has allowed me on this earth to serve and glorify Him.

We were all home today because Robert was not feeling well and Karis has been sick... and as of yesterday, the kids' in home daycare was full of sickness.  So, we just decided to all stay home.  It was good for our family, but stressful at the same time because Ethan doesn't have the ability to go outside and play here.  Karis is still sick, so I'll most likely be staying home tomorrow and I think I'll take her to the doctor.  She has a fever, cough, and she's complaining about her stomach hurting (a lot).  So, I'm worried about her.  I hope to be able to get her in early.  We'll see how it goes.

Sorry for the negative post... It's just been a rough few weeks.  Again, I know that things will get better... but it's just tough in the mean time.
I'm thankful that God's grace is sufficient... and that even though I haven't been spending much time with Him lately, that He loves me just the same.

1 comment:

The Man Crew said... sorry that you are struggling this week, and for a while now. Yes, trials are always going to be part of our life, but on the upside, Jesus is always going to be part of your life, too...and that keeps you one step ahead. I watched that video too and found it hard to deal with, but for you, I'm sure it was especially difficult. Someone wise once said that the only thing constant is change, and the older I get, the more wisdom I find in that. I crave routine and schedule and I find myself always waiting to hit that 'sweet spot' where everything just clicks into place and it's just RIGHT. Unfortunately, that never happens, at least for more than a few days or a week. And I don't say that to discourage you, but to remind you that it's OK to be struggling with wanting to get it just right, but that it's also OK sometimes to just let things go. I'll continue to pray for you as you search for balance. As my father loves to say, "Moderation in everything...even moderation." {{Hugs}} to you my dear friend. May Jesus bring you comfort, wisdom and grace in the coming days!