Monday, October 4, 2010

Trusting God

I've really been struggling lately... As soon as I feel things are starting to line up, something happens to make things feel as though they are falling apart.  Yesterday I was having a great day, then I ate dinner and began to get really nauseous... So nauseous that I went to bed at 7:00... and when I woke up this morning I was still nauseous.  I went to work thinking that if I got up and started moving that it would help, but instead it got worse.  I came home and slept for about 5 hours.  I feel somewhat better, but I'm still not 100%.  I'm praying that I'll feel better tomorrow because this is already my third day to miss (though the other two days were due to Karis being sick!).  I don't want my year to be like this. 

I have decided, though, that because of the fact that I've been feeling bad so much lately, I desperately need to get back to eating the way I know is best.  We've made steps in that direction, but it's mostly difficult because it takes time... and time is something that I don't have any extra of right now.  So, we're doing the best that we can right now.  I need to begin my daily regimen of probiotics, fish oil, whole foods vitamins, and just eating better.  I have become addicted to something that I always told people is so bad... Coke Zero (diet soda).  It's a comfort measure mainly.  And it's pretty common for teachers to be addicted to diet soda, so I just fell into the crowd :).  And I KNOW how bad it is... but it's hard to stop myself :).  I honestly don't have a lot of self control right now!
So, I've decided that all I can do is go cold turkey, so that's what I've done.  I haven't been doing horribly on lunches because I take mine everyday, and dinners aren't awful, but breakfast and drinks have to change.  So, here I go.  Beginning my journey all over again!  I think in a few weeks I'll have more time to spend on cooking/baking.  I'm getting into a routine and it is taking less and less time to get things done.

My mom and dad actually took the kids yesterday and they won't be bringing them back until Thursday.  That's a reeeaaalllyyy long time for me... and I struggled with the idea to an extent, but at the same time, I'm so physically, mentally, and emotionally drained that I needed a break of some sort (and so did Robert).  Also, we're trying to find a new childcare situation, so it helped to have a week to look.  There are a few reasons, but the biggest is that her house is very much out of the way. She lives north of where Robert works, so the kids are in the car 2-2 1/2 hours a day!  It's just too much. 

We met with a lady last night that we LOVE and she is a lot like me :). She cloth diapers her son.  She attempted homebirth (it didn't work out unfortunately, but she loves it!), she feeds her son well, they play outside ALL THE TIME.  I felt like it would be the perfect fit for our boys, though, I wasn't real sure how Karis would do there (because she would be the only girl and Ethan is the next oldest).  So, I decided to call a church that I've heard great things about in the area that I work that has a childcare center. Sure enough, they only have an opening for Karis.  And it's not too expensive... for a childcare center :).  You see, this is really the best situation for Karis because she desperately wants to go to school.  She LOVES learning and socializing, and would be happy if she learned all day every day.  Another benefit is that it would give me more time with her.  I miss time with her terribly, and I feel as though she is affected the most by me going back to work.  We will get to drive together in the mornings and afternoons, and this will force me to leave work right away so that she isn't staying in the childcare center too late. 
So, I am going tomorrow to check it out and most likely begin filling out paperwork. 

I made the decision today that I have to make the choice to not allow Satan to tear me down.  I know that God has called me to all of the things that we are doing (we prayed A LOT and felt complete peace about everything), so I have to trust that He will work out all of the details.  I knew that moving here would be hard... that working full time would be hard... that starting over in general would be very difficult... But I also know that God is with us and allows things for a reason and does things for a reason.  So, again, all I can do is trust Him and His plan.

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