Friday, January 10, 2014

Don't Know What to Title This...

This has been a roller coaster of a week for me.  You may not care to read about it, and I'm okay with that... this blog is more for me than for you ;-).

It's pretty random, and I'll be honest... it's pretty negative.  It's just how I feel at the moment.

My week started out with me not getting ANY sleep Sunday night into Monday.  Literally none.  Well, maybe an hour or two... split up throughout the night.  Between a lot on my mind, anticipating the new semester, my almost 4 year old waking up with soaked sheets (even with a pull up on), etc, I just didn't sleep.

Monday (my first day back to work), I woke up late, left my purse at home (which meant I didn't have my badge), and felt completely a mess.  I felt as though I was a bad teacher, mom, wife... I came home and couldn't function.  Robert had to pick up the slack while I went and laid down at about 6:30.

The rest of the week tended to be up and down/back and forth.  Pretty much every other day was HORRIBLE, and every other day was great.  Not sure what that was about.  I've had a lot of doubts in myself as a mom, wife, and teacher.

Not only was I struggling with going back to work and all that comes from that, but I also have been trying to start this "new way of eating."  My original plan with this "new way of eating" was to be flexible and balanced... but that is not what ended up happening.  You see, I have a really hard time with any kind of eating plan.  I don't know how to balance.  I go to one extreme or the other.  So, after only a week and a half of this, I completely bombed the plan and gave up.  I just couldn't do it.  I went out to eat last night and ate tex-mex... then went to Chick Fil A today.  Yep.

Since today was another rough day, I don't have any answers today.  I don't have any "well, that's okay, I'll just do this..." because I don't know what to do.  I'm tired of trying to eat healthy and completely bombing.  I'm tired of feeling like I am going to "be successful this time" and completely screwing up.  Part of me just doesn't want to care anymore about what I eat, but that's not a good idea either.  My counselor tells me that restriction (from anything food wise) is not a good idea for me because it just adds to my anxiety, and to allow myself things that aren't necessarily healthy sometimes because that's balance; but, I feel like I either eat completely perfectly or completely awful.  I really struggle with balance.  And it is really hard a teacher.  As a teacher, I am pouring every ounce of my mental/emotional/physical self into my students all day, then I come home and continue pouring into my kids (or completely failing at both...).  I tend to be an emotional eater/drinker, so I find that it is an outlet for me to have the ability to go to Sonic happy hour and get a coke zero and some fries, go to Casa Rita's and get a margarita, or eat some ice cream at the end of the day.  It makes me feel better.

My counselor tells me that this struggle is a completely normal one, especially for women.  Many women want to eat healthy and struggle with balance.  Many women crave things out of emotion.

But... I want to know how to make this NOT a struggle anymore.

What's also so annoying about all of this is that I am NOT OVER-WEIGHT.  My husband loves the way I look and tells me ALL THE TIME that he doesn't want me to change.  I am a size 8/10 at 5'6".  I'm at the weight I was before I had Karis.  I'm not super skinny, but I'm not over-weight either.  And I honestly pretty much just stay at this weight (with-in a range of 3-4 pounds) no matter what I eat. There's no reason for me to care about my weight, but I do.  I know that I always say I don't care, but I do.  I want to be thinner.  For some odd reason.

So then I think, what would happen if I eat healthy most of the time, but just be okay with myself if I go out to eat and have horrible tex-mex and a margarita?  Is that the end of the world?  And what is eating healthy?  I used to think eating healthy was just eating non-processed foods most of  the time... then I started trying this gluten-free/Paleo way of eating and it's HARD y'all.  I mean hard.  Especially while working full time.  What is healthy?  I'm still trying to figure this out.

I think most importantly, I need to figure out what makes me feel my best.  Not what everyone else says makes them feel their best.

At this point, I'm not sure what that even is.

My husband tells me I'm too hard on myself and to just eat when I'm hungry... and to try to eat whole foods as best as I can.  He agrees that restrictive doesn't work for me because of my anxiety.  He tells me that he's glad he's not female because men don't think about these things like women do...

Sometimes I wish I hadn't learned as much as I did about food because it has caused me so much anxiety over the years.

On top of the food issues, I'm a perfectionist as a teacher and mom.  I don't ever think I'm "good enough" in either area no matter how hard I try.  And I'm reminded constantly how "not good enough" I am by the expectations and websites and blogs and books out there.  I just want to feel confident for once.  I want to not feel insecure for once.  I want to just live and enjoy life (like I wrote about just a week ago).

I realize and recognize that this week is hard for all teachers.  It's not a secret.  I just wish I didn't heap all of these other expectations on myself on top of having a tough week.

I don't even know how to end this post.  So.  The end.  For now.

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