Saturday, January 25, 2014


Life is... hard.

No matter how much I feel that I've grown and changed, I can very easily slip right back into my "old ways."

Struggle is part of life; struggle is what grows us.  I know all these things.  But sometimes I wish that I could just live and enjoy life without weight on my chest.

And I think the most frustrating part of it all is that I can change life circumstances, but that doesn't change my anxiety.  As much as I want to blame it on something in my life, I can't.  It's just part of me.  Part of my brain chemistry.

I'm so jealous... yes, jealous... of people that don't struggle with this.  I would love to wake up each day without a knot in my stomach, weight on my chest, and my heart racing... You know that feeling that you have when you're super nervous about something big?  That's the feeling that I have on a regular basis... think "fight or flight."

I'm currently on two medications daily, and one of those was just increased.  I'm praying the increase will help.  I'm on a third as needed, and I've been needing it more often lately.

I HATE medication.  Hate it.  Yet, if I didn't take it, I would be even worse... unable to function at all.  This helps me function, at least.

And the hardest thing about anxiety/depression is that it is the most misunderstood illness on earth.  I think of it like any other illness... it is caused by messed up brain chemistry.  But many people just don't understand. No, I'm not trying to be dramatic... I would much rather not have this issue and live a "normal" life.

I'm working towards trying a few new things... including some essential oils.  I've heard good things about them.  I also need to start doing yoga more often because it definitely helps.  Running helps, too, but it's just so hard to fit everything in.  And I'm sure that if I didn't eat or drink certain things, it would help... but it's just so hard to make a lot of changes because I have very little ability to balance.

And yes, I pray about it.  Have been praying about it for years and years.  Not sure if it will ever be gone. I'm assuming God has a plan and a reason for it.  Just don't understand.

Robert and I are praying through options... something is gonna have to give.  I'm not sure if my current job makes it worse or not.  Praying through maybe going back to working part time next year if things don't get better.  But honestly, part of me really doesn't want to do that.  I LOVE my job.  But I don't love the amount of stress that it brings. We really can't afford for me to work just part time.   So... like I said... just praying right now.  I have a while till I have to make any decisions.

My doctor seems to think that my job makes it much worse.  She said that some people's personalities just don't mesh well with certain jobs.  She reminded me that the stress of the job will never change, and it's not the job per se, but how my body handles it.  Some people aren't wired to work in certain environments.  She suggests giving it some time... see if the increase of medication helps, see if my body adjusts, see if I get "used to it."  

The frustrating thing for me is that even though the stress of teaching full time might make it worse, my anxiety is always there...

A few things that I'm learning about myself (with the help of my doctor and counselor)... I'm pretty sure that I have some sensory issues.  Loud noises, messes, touch, etc really cause more anxiety.  At the end of the day (after teaching), my brain kind of shuts down.  It can't handle any more.  Some days I'm okay, but many days I struggle.  

This post was probably too honest... but it helps me so much to "verbalize" how I'm feeling inside.

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