Wednesday, January 22, 2014

"I AM Holding on to You"

Imagine being out in the ocean, enjoying the waves; suddenly, a wave comes and takes you under and you start to struggle for breath.  You come up out of the water just long enough to take a deep breath, then you sink back into the water.

The waves are crashing all around you; people try to help pull you out, but they are unsuccessful.  Those who love you want to help, but they just can't.  For some reason, the current is just pulling you back under every time.

Then, all of a sudden, you can stand on two feet.  The waves have slowed down and you can breath again.  The waves aren't crashing around you as much; though they are there, they don't knock you down.

But this is only temporary.  A huge wind comes again and knocks you back into the waves.  You're struggling to breath again and you're back to the same feeling of drowning that you experienced before.

This is how I feel right now.

My whole life (well, as long as I can remember), I have struggled with anxiety.  I have always struggled with allowing the waves around me to pull me into the water.  I have felt as though I was drowning more times than I can count.

I was doing pretty well for a long time, then the bottom fell out and I struggled deeply.  I've had ups and downs with it.  Last summer, my anxiety was extremely bad (I couldn't breathe normal for months).  I had just finally gotten somewhat settled with it when I found out I had a full time job.  I've pretty much struggled deeply off and on the whole school year so far.  I kind of feel like I hadn't "healed" or gotten "stable" before I picked up an enormous load.  I thought I was doing SO well, then the bottom fell out again and I can't seem to catch my breath.  It all started when school started back on January 6th.

Today, God worked it out so that I could leave work early, have a sub, and get into my psychiatrist's office all with-in a few hours (it's a miracle to get into a psyc office at the last minute as well as to find a sub at the last minute).

I'm so glad that I went in today because I feel that my doctor had so much to say to me that helped me understand myself better... which may help our family make more decisions that can help me long term.  We are in serious prayer about some things, and that in and of itself makes me feel a little better.  God has a plan.

He's in control, and I trust Him.

"I AM holding on to you.  I AM holding on to you.  In the middle of the storm, I AM holding on.  I AM!"

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