So... I find a few things funny. I constantly think I need to do better. Constantly. So in my post yesterday about being "realistic," I found myself unrealistic (I deleted it, by the way...). It doesn't matter how hard I try not to, I over-analyze everything, make it difficult, then go back to my old ways. It's an issue of mine, and one that I may or may never stop having. I mean, I am who I am. We all have issues.
Yesterday in my post, I discussed what I think is important, then went into a breakdown of my grocery budget. I mean, I knew it was all over-analyzy (I know, not a word) then, but I see even more today how much I was over-analyzing.
Yesterday I wrote this on Facebook:
Okay... looking at my budget and making the decision to buckle down financially. We can get quite a bit of debt paid off if we don't keep spending like we are. Means I need to buckle down on my grocery budget the most. I've been spending too much lately. Anyone who wants me to do something that costs money, sorry . It's going to be a while . Except for a few things that we have planned and budgeted for (like backpacking in March and July). Can't wait to see our debt disappear! Dave Ramsey peeps- I'm going to need your encouragement! I'm a spender!!
All of this came out of guilt- I was feeling guilty knowing that I make more and not paying off as much debt as I "should," and knowing that other people were paying off thousands of dollars of debt. I mean, if they can, so can I, right? It's the responsible, right way to do things?
This morning I wrote this on Facebook:
Robert and I have talked about that even though I LOVE Trader Joe's and it's super inexpensive (and the products are great), sometimes it's not worth it to drive 20+ minutes to get there (when we have other stores that are closer)... especially since I can't get everything there that I need. I can go to Market Street and get everything I need. Yes, there are some things that are more expensive, but there are some things that are cheaper (they have great sales on meats, and they are hormone/antibiotic free), and some things are the same price. So, it kind of evens out.
I've been so torn about this since we've lived here. I kind of just go by the amount of time I have at the moment and what mood I'm in . Do YOU think it's worth it to drive 15-20 minutes further to get better prices?
This post had over 30 comments, every one of them discussing what each person does for their family in regards to shopping. You know what I figured out? Everyone does what I do. Do what works for their family. Some shop at one place every time. Some shop around. Some buy groceries super close. Some drive far away. Some people focus on time, and some care more about how much they are spending.
It all comes down to the fact that I'll do what I do no matter what I plan, because I always do. Some seasons/days I choose to shop closer. Some seasons/days I don't mind driving. Some seasons I enjoy buying from local co-ops. Some seasons I don't have time. Some seasons I enjoy buying natural products. Some seasons I can't afford it or I just don't care as much.
I was trying to be perfect... I mean, I can pay off thousands of dollars in debt, eat really well, eat locally, shop at one or two stores AND buy all natural products at the same time, right? And all in a very controlled way. And I'll meal plan and follow it every time. And I'll do this all while working about 50 hours a week. Because that's what good moms do, right?
Instead of feeling more free (I should feel more free because I'm not eating a specific way anymore, right?), I felt more anxious because I keep adding expectation after expectation upon myself. This is what I do. It's my cycle. I have to break this cycle!
Just a little bit ago, I read this: Why I Cannot Abide "Clean Eating" and Pseudoscientific Nutrition Claims.
Do you KNOW how freeing this is?? I mean, I don't have to eat a certain way to be healthy??? WHAT?!?! All these claims that I must not eat gluten, I can't ever have sugar, I need to avoid potatoes, and dairy is unhealthy are all just claims made by a typical person? I realize that this is just a blogger like me, but it was an "ah ha!" moment. What they are saying is SO true.
It is all becoming clear.
Some of the healthiest people I know are super balanced, exercise because they love it, and don't sweat the small stuff. They just live life. They have stress, but their stress doesn't control them.
Health is about more than what I eat. It's about more than being perfect in an exercise routine. It's about more than not having chemicals in my products.
It's about living life.
Remember this post that I wrote not that long ago? The one about how my word for the year is live? Yeah, well, 1 1/2 weeks into January and I'm already not doing so hot. And why? Because I'm not allowing myself to enjoy this life. I'm allowing STUPID things to come between me and my relationship with Jesus, my husband, my kids, my students, and my co-workers. I'm allowing things that should be little in the scheme of things rule my mind and cause anxiety for me. Just a few weeks ago I felt free! I want that back. I felt free because I didn't care so much about the little things... I just enjoyed living life... spending time with my family...
I spent some time looking back at pictures of the past few months and they made me so happy! Such joy filled my heart to see how much my family has meant to me, and how little anxiety I felt during that time.
I'm at a point today in which it's a choice. I have done what I can to be treated for my anxiety, now I have to live my life with the choice to live without it.
Robert and I spent some time discussing things today, and he said that it's okay if we don't pay off thousands of dollars of debt this year... we have chosen to not allow that to become and idol. We can pay off debt and still live life. He said that he doesn't care where I shop, he just knows where he'll shop when he does. He just wants our family to enjoy life. To give to others. To enjoy the outdoors. To play. To laugh. To live.
All the other "stuff" is just stuff. It's not important in the scheme of things. Yes, financial gurus and some people think that to live is to pay off debt. Great! Yes, some people think to live is to eat a certain way. Fine for them! Yes, some people think that to live is to exercise all the time. Totally okay for them!
It's just not for me and for our family.
Again, I'll probably come back to this in the future because I just naturally over-analyze. I'm hoping this is "it," but it may not be.
In the meantime, I'm going to go for a run, then jump on the trampoline with my kids :-).