It's funny how not feeling well can really mess up emotions and it can also have me not thinking clearly at all. When I wrote yesterday, I was still not feeling well... I didn't sleep well the night before (due to a toddler that can't seem to sleep through the night anymore), and I was still somewhat sick. Through the day I started feeling better for the first time in almost a week, and I started thinking clearly again :). And, God orchestrated certain conversations with people throughout my day to remind me of many things that I know to be true. I also enjoyed a lot of "outside time" which helped to clear my mind of all of the muddiness that enters so quickly when I'm an emotional mess :). I am again reminded that God has me right where I am for a reason and a purpose.
I might still pursue becoming a doula in the future, but just as I said, I know that I am right where I'm supposed to be right now, and if God wants me to change paths, he will make that clear in His time. Right now it's not the time. I know that. One thing that I was reminded of yesterday is that if I end up being home most of the time, I'll probably want to teach again. I always struggle thinking that things will be easier if I... fill in the blank. I need to be at a point in my life in which I just rest and be content in what God has called me to in that moment and not focus so much on what I think I want to do. I know from experience that no matter what I do, life is just hard. Period. There is sin in this world so no matter what, Satan torments and our sin entangles us. I have to rest in the promises of God and know that He is victorious in the end! His plans don't always make sense to us... I often wonder why God would have me doing something that takes so much time, then I am reminded of that truth. God's plans are so much better than our own, and even when they don't make sense, I rest in the fact that He's in control and He will be glorified.
As I spent some great, quality time with my kids yesterday, I was reminded that I need to focus on doing that way more often than I do. Yes, I work quite a few hours, but there is still a lot of time that I am with the kids, and I need to take advantage of the moments that I have with them to make memories. I look back on my childhood and even though my mom worked (and sometimes had to work on paperwork at home and she took some classes), I don't remember all of that as being a bad thing. I just remember those moments as part of life and I'm thankful for a mom that spent good, quality time with us despite the fact that she had to work. I remember the good moments! I remember the summers going to the park a lot, spending a lot of time at the library, going swimming (with my friends in tow!), and playing outside for hours. I don't remember the late nights that she was up doing paperwork (because frankly, I just didn't care :). So, I know that as long as I take the time to make memories with my kids, they won't remember me being up late writing lesson plans or the fact that they were in day care. In fact, they love "school." They are healthy, happy kids, and enjoy playing with their friends and learning. To them, they just view it as part of life, and when they can be home with me, they are happy with that too.
I am thankful for a career that allows me to have summers off, spring break, Thanksgiving break, Christmas break, etc. God knew what I needed and allowed me to do what I love and allow me the time to spend with my kids and make memories.
I told my mom yesterday that I feel like once I get a full year out of the way, it will be easier. I feel like with each new season, I remember what it was like to be home during that season. Once it's been a full year, my most recent memories will be of me working during that season. I know that may not make sense, but she understood :). She said that she felt the same way her first year working full time. She fought the desire to be home with us through that first full year. Then, she had the realization that it was time to grow up and know that this was it... this was life now. And she was able to move forward and ended up becoming the director at Head Start and loved it. She did that for 10 years before deciding to change career paths and start working with animals :). I am thankful for her working at Head Start because I believe that it instilled in me the love for working with the kids that I do now.
Now that I am reminded (again) that I am right where I'm supposed to be, my desire is to really stop focusing on myself and what I want and what I think I should be doing. I want to just live life right where I am... right where God has me. I want to be used by Him to love others right where they are.
Alright... Ethan is awake now... see ya :).