I have been so worried about Levi. I lay him down and check on him constantly as he sleeps. Sometimes, if he doesn't appear to be breathing, my heart starts racing and I just have to pick him up to make sure he's okay. At night, I wake up after a few hours and wonder if he's okay because he hasn't woken up to eat yet. It's constant. I worry about the other kids, but not quite as much since they are out of the SIDS age... But, I do think about "What if the kids and I got into a wreck and all died... how would Robert deal with that? How would my mom and dad deal with that?" Or I worry that Robert could get hurt or die in a car accident or while working, or whatever. I know some people some think about those things at times, but I think about them all the time. I always just think that maybe I'm a little weird...
I realized a few days ago why I think that way...
With my brother's death, it has made the reality of death real to me. You never really think that it can happen to someone in your family or to you. But when it does happen to someone close to you, you realize that life is very short and you or your loved ones could die at any moment. And you ask for protection when you pray, but you really don't know if God is going to choose to protect them or you. And that's a hard reality to face. I don't understand why my brother had to die (especially the tragic way he did), why my friend's five year old daughter has stage 4 cancer, or why a friend of mine found out that their 4 week old might have cystic fibrosis. And in my human nature, my first reaction is to have anxiety and worry about these things... and sometimes to be frustrated or angry... but we've never been promised an easy life. The Bible says that our lives are but a vapor and we know that death is part of life.
So, how should I react to this realization? Should I just continue to worry and be angry because of the difficulty of death?
No... I should live life! I should love my family more than ever before. I should spend quality time with them because you never know when their last day could be. I should stop worrying about a spotless house and clean laundry and go outside and blow bubbles. I should stop focusing on things that I want to do all the time and play a game with them. I should teach them about Jesus daily so that they may come to know Him at an early age.
And I should just keep praying and trusting that God is in control of them and all I can do is love them and take care of them the best that I can.
I may never understand why certain things happen until I go HOME. But, I trust that God has a reason and a purpose for everything. He will use the hard times to grow us and for Him to be glorified.