Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Difficulty of Submission

Sorry that I haven't been around in a while.  I've been going through a lot these days, as I've mentioned many times.  It's been difficult to decide if I should share things or not.  But, after being told many times by people (friends and strangers) that sharing has been encouraging for them, I've decided there's no reason not to.  Now, there are certain things that I can't share right now for different reasons, but my feelings about things I CAN share.  So, I will do that :).  I miss writing.

Some things I'm learning:
1) That submission to my husband is VERY difficult, but VERY necessary because God designed it that way.  The more I submit, the more I realize that he truly knows what's best.  He truly waits on the Lord, and I am impatient and try to control everything.  I'm having to learn to let go!  It's really hard because I am emotionally attached to certain things.........
2) My husband continues to tell me that I need to teach.  He hears the passion and excitement in my voice when I talk about it, and he sees the depression and anxiety that comes with me staying home (this has happened every time I've tried to stay home).  I love my kids, but I get into an awful rut when I'm here all the time.  I am trying to ignore the voices telling me that I MUST stay home... My husband reminds me that I'm different than everyone else for a reason!  I'm trying to process this and decide if I should look for a job for this year, or wait until next year.  It's tough.  He told me the other day (when I called him crying again), that maybe I should teach this year even if all I do is pay for childcare with my check.  Hmmm......  I mostly struggle with putting my baby in childcare.  The older two, I feel, would benefit from it.  I think they would enjoy it a lot.  And with teaching, that means that I wouldn't be picking them up real late, so that's a plus.
3) This huge house, while beautiful, has been bringing more stress and frustration than enjoyment.  It really has taught me a lot about all that I thought I desired.  Not only is it more to take care of, it brings stress for the kids.  They don't sleep well (in their gigantic rooms), therefore, they throw more fits and are just uneasy the majority of the time.  So those of you who live in a small house, just know that a big house isn't necessarily better!  A small house is cozy and more manageable!  Of course, as long as we live here, I will try to take advantage of the positive things about living here :).
4)  I miss natural living :).  I enjoy the freedom that I have been experiencing lately, but I truly want to learn a balance and still do things more naturally... I have kind of gone the opposite direction lately out of convenience.  I know that living naturally is really best for our bodies and our minds.  There's a reason why I have had a passion for it!  Now if I can just learn to balance that passion!
5)  I have been learning to just let the kids play!  They are outside the majority of the time, and they LOVE it.  And, it helps me :).  The benefit of having more than one child is having a built in play mate!
6)  I have also been letting the house go more (which is good and bad).  This is another area that I really need to learn balance.  Letting it go completely isn't good (as I have found recently), and being obsessed with it isn't good either.  Balance is key to all things in life!  (well, except for having a "crazy love" for God and the things of him!)
7)  I'm just "weeding through" a lot of things in my heart and life, learning to let some things go, and learning to give up emotional attachments.  It's VERY difficult, but necessary.  I've come to the point many times recently in which I couldn't do it anymore... and all I could do was let go.  And I'm sure that will continue for a while because I still have control issues.  I have a lot to learn.
8)  Life is hard no matter how things may look on the outside.  I realize that it probably appears as though I have it all: a wonderful family, an amazing home, all of our needs taken care of, etc, but I can assure you that having "the perfect life" isn't possible.  Life is hard no matter what.  Sin is in the world, therefore, we have a daily battle before us.  I LOVE my family with all of my heart, and that's all that really matters to me anymore... my relationship with God, and my family and friends.  All the other things are trivial.  Money, a house, things, really don't matter!  The more money we have, the more we spend, and the more complicated things get.  The bigger the house, the more to clean.  Now, I'm not saying that I'm not thankful for all that the Lord has provided, I'm just saying that it doesn't make life perfect as much as I thought it would.  I still have to daily rely upon the Lord for strength and power to get through the day just like I did before.

I hope all of this makes sense....... I'm still processing through most of these things.  I don't want to come across ungrateful... because that's not the case.  I just know a lot more now after experiencing things than I would have ever imagined.  And it has been eye opening and difficult.
My daily prayer is that He would be glorified through me, daily.  I hope that you see Him in my life and heart as I write...


Jackie Lura said...

I was watching Joyce Meyer yesterday and she said that same thing. She said the bigger our houses the more we have to clean. The more money we have the more stuff we buy that we have to take care of. BTW she comes on in the mornings (ch 54) at 7:30. It has been awesome to watch. I have them recorded if you wanna come over someday and watch some. They are really good.

I am with you on the submission thing. The times I mess up so badly and wish I could take back the things I did were the times that I didnt discuss things over with Clay... or I did discuss and he said to wait and my impatient heart said no. God made our men calm and collected to keep you and me in check :)

Praying for you today.
~ Jackie

The Man Crew said...

Courtney...amen about the crazy love affair with God and nothing else matters! I like to say that I'm only truly RADICAL about a few things...and God is at the top of that very short list, followed by my family. That's it!
Keep following God, the rest will fall into place.