This is the quote of my life right now. I am amazed at what He is showing me lately... and I'm finding that the plans that I had laid out for myself are much different than what He wants me to do. I thought that they were His plans, but I'm finding that what I thought were His plans, were really just me trying to control everything... and doing what I thought was expected of me.
I didn't realize just how much of a "dark cloud" I was living in until these past few weeks. Being able to see more clearly has really changed things for me. I'm able to hear from the Lord better because I don't have my anxiety screaming in my ear 24/7 (which was Satan!). I don't know if that makes sense. But I don't feel foggy like I have for so long. I guess I'm just meant to take meds... I'm okay with that :). If they make a huge difference (even at such a low dose), why not? It makes me a better wife, mother, friend, etc. I'm not so focused on all these things that I can't let go of... and expectations were the hardest to let go of... the expectations that I thought others had for me... and the high expectations that I had for myself. It's amazing how much of a weight has been lifted!
I'm able to create routine now, I'm able to do things that I enjoy without feeling guilty, and I'm able to take better care of my family because I'm not frustrated and angry all the time.
One BIG thing that I'm realizing lately is that I think Robert was right about me needing to work a little bit. I had decided to stay home next year because I thought I couldn't handle all of the expectations that I had put on myself as a mom AND teach. I wanted to begin to make EVERYTHING from scratch, homeschool, have goats and chickens, a large garden, cloth diaper, have more kids, etc... which is a LOT of work even for a stay at home mom, let alone someone working (even very part time). I thought I wanted all of those things, but I'm realizing more and more that those are things that work best for OTHER people, but not for me. The more kids I have, the more I realize what's important and what's not :). I'm not saying that making some things from scratch and trying to do things naturally and healthy is bad, but not to the extreme that I was envisioning.
I have an opportunity to go back to Faith Academy next year. I talked to my supervisor (who I love and miss!) for a long time yesterday about everything, and she said that she would love it if I came back! She told me of several definite openings and some possible openings. I would probably teach two mornings a week (T, Th). I wouldn't really work to make money, though it won't hurt :). I could put Karis in preschool two days a week (if they have any openings), I would pay a person to watch the other two one morning a week (and my mom would watch them one morning a week), and the rest would pay for some of our groceries. So, it would help. I wouldn't have to put Karis in preschool, but she has been asking me almost everyday if she can go to school. She wants to go so bad, and I think it would be beneficial for her as well.
I am going to spend some time today making a pros and cons list, and I'm going to pray, pray, pray! I don't want to make a decision out of emotion or even out of the fact that things seem to be working out. I have a lot of things to take into consideration. I don't want to get half way through the year and regret my decision. I don't want to get into teaching and begin to get really anxious again. I only want to do this if it's the Lord's will, even if it seems like a good decision. Only He knows what's best for me (and I think He lets Robert in on it too :).
I will still want to work on my Master's degree, and I need to in order to keep my certification current. But, it will actually help me in the future if I'm getting experience while I'm taking classes (in fact, before I graduate, I will be required to have more experience). I will probably wait until the Fall of 2011 if I end up teaching. I want to give myself some time to get used to teaching and having three kiddos.
And, I don't know what will happen with the kids and school, or what I will do while they are in school. There are so many things to pray through! I could teach more classes so we can afford to put them into Faith Academy. I can stop teaching at Faith the next year and put them into public school (I couldn't do both because they are different directions!). We'll see what happens!
It's just cool to see that there are SO many options that I never would have considered (at least not this past year or so). I'm amazed at how God seems to be showing me that if I truly submit to His will instead of just planning everything on my own and trying to control everything, He shows me that His plans are so much better!
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