Thursday, June 4, 2009

Things on my Mind

I have had a lot going through this head of mine, and I thought I would just type it all out today.  
Today has been one of those days, so I apologize if it is somewhat random and "babbling."

Summer is always harder than I anticipate, and this summer is no different.  I forget how hard it is to only see my husband one day a week (pretty much), and to take care of the kids by myself.  I forget how hard it is to be home all the time.  I am less productive, and I get somewhat depressed. I forget how much I love that I work part time.  I know that doesn't make sense to people who LOVE being stay at home mommies, but I need to get out some (just SOME!).  I am thankful that I have a job in which I can work 12 hours a week, and be home with the kids the rest of the time.  I do love being with my kids, I just feel somewhat like a single mom during the summers... and it's not easy.  Now, I would never trade what God has given us and where we are, but some days are harder than others, and some seasons are harder than others.  I do my best to play with the kids and do activities, take care of my home, and take care of my husband.  But, I don't feel like I've done a great job of this lately.  

My goal, currently, is to get into some kind of routine.  I know I've tried this so many times, but I feel like it's time to try again.  I want to get up early enough to have some time with Jesus before the kids wake up, to spend some time online (because it's something that I enjoy), then take care of my home and kids.  If I don't get into a routine, I will waste the days away, and I don't want to do that!!  

Today I got up at 6:00, and it was much better (usually I wait til I hear Ethan awake).  I had an hour with Jesus (in the PEACE AND QUIET), which was amazing.  Then, I did a few things online and got up and started doing my daily chores.  I got most of them done by late morning (with the exception of laundry cause I am really behind).  Then, while Ethan was asleep, Karis and I curled up on the couch and read several books.  It was wonderful.  Then, I made some homemade play dough for her to play with while I folded laundry.  She's so wonderful.  She deserves me wanting to spend more quality time with her.  Much of the time I get caught up in what I need to do, the desire to be online, and just being lazy that I forget that I need to just play with my kids, read to them, do activities with them, etc.  I do this several times a week, but they need me to just play with them daily.  Now, I've heard some people say that "when their kids were little, they didn't do the dishes or laundry, they were always on the floor playing with their kids."  I don't really agree with that because I think since I am home, I need to do the laundry and dishes, etc because I think an orderly home is a peaceful home (and how else would the dishes and laundry get done).  And, I think it's good for kids to play alone and/or with siblings.  I think they need to learn how to play without the parents always there.  BUT, I don't play with them enough.  I have been convicted of this, and am making steps to change that.  Ethan could really care less.  He is so busy that me being on the floor with him is just another obstacle :).  He'll get there.  He won't even let me read a book to him.  He must be ADD like his daddy.  

Anyway, I will write a post just about my routine soon.  I'm going to think through it so that it's not too rigid, and so that I don't give up easily.

Another struggle that I have been having is meals.  Robert and I both try really hard to feed our family WHOLE foods, and I think that grass fed and/or organic is the best way to go (as I have said just a FEW times!).  During the summer, ALL meals are served in the dining hall.  I constantly go back and forth between wanting to just stay home so that we eat well, and going to the dining hall because it's free, I don't have to cook it, and it gets us around others.  Much of the time during the summer, the food is fried.  At lunch, there is a sandwich bar, but it has white bread and so I don't really see it as much better.  So... I just haven't come to a good conclusion yet.  The food on weekends during the rest of the year is pretty healthy (and yummy- much of the time it tastes like we're eating at a restaurant).  I have a meal plan to cook dinners, and I'm trying to stick with it, but I'm struggling!!  I think what I'm going to have to do is just stop worrying about it.  If I feel like cooking that night, great.  If I feel like going to the dining hall, great.  There are some things that are even more important than healthy eating, and that's the ability for Robert to get to see his kids.  I think about my motives of feeling like I shouldn't ever go to the dining hall, and I think it's because I'll feel like a hypocrite.  I always talk about how I feed my family, and if I'm eating in the dining hall, then I'm not following what I share.  So right now, I'm telling you that sometimes, it's just not possible to feed them the way that I would like!!!!  :)  There, I've said it; now I can move on.  I realize that this is the truth for most people, but I feel guilty for some reason.  I'm such a stinkin' people pleaser.  Ugh.

Okay, since I've talked about my guilt about the way my family has been eating, I will explain my personality (for those who don't know me).  I struggle with balance.  I'm a very "black and white" sort of person (not in every area, but...).  If I feel passionate about something, I have a need to do it to the extreme (or struggle if I can't).  I'm trying to learn to let go, and just know that I can only do what I can do.  

Summers are harder financially, mentally, emotionally, etc; but, they are often great spiritually.  It's in the hard times that we grow, isn't it?  So, really I should be praising God for these hard times instead of letting them get to me!!  I should figure out what it is He is trying to teach me instead of focusing on what bothers me.

God's grace is sufficient.

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