Thursday, July 29, 2010

Letting Go... Learning to Wait Patiently

Spending time with Jesus has been somewhat of a challenge these days because Ethan has been getting up really early.  With the space being small, and with Robert getting up early to leave for work, I guess it wakes Ethan up.  So, by 6:15-6:30, he's up and ready to go for the day.  That means getting his milk and his breakfast immediately.  And, he is very high maintenance and wants attention on him constantly...
Because of not spending as much quiet time with Jesus (I do speak with Him through the day, but it's not the same), I have been trying to take control again.  This morning I spent a little bit of time with him, and Jesus made it clear that my stress comes from trying to take control of a situation that I have no control over.  I listened to a song this morning, three times, that really speaks to me.  It's called "Letting Go," by Matt Maher.  Here are a few of the lyrics:

"I stand in awe of You
And everything You've done for me
You speak Your words into my life
And where You are is where I wanna be

I stand before You, Lord
Humbled by the love You give away
A widow's mite, my will and pride
It's all I have to offer anyway

I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself
I'll say so long to everything else"

The biggest issue is that my focus is off.  My focus should not be on which job I want, but on Jesus, period.  He will make His will known in His time... and I just need to be patient and know that He has it all worked out already.

I haven't found out when my interview to the charter school is yet (I am one step closer... it's just a little more difficult than I expected).  And my typical reaction is to just make a decision to not even interview... to go ahead and accept the position at Wylie.
It's tough because I thought that the position offered at Wylie was perfect... so why would I even consider this charter school position?  Well, I've learned in the past that what I think is perfect isn't necessarily perfect... so I'm trying to take my husband's advice and wait til I interview at the charter school.  You see, my husband is usually right about these things.  So, against my own will, I am waiting until I hear about the charter school... and it is very difficult.  I have so many thoughts continually running through my mind...

Does teaching full time make me a bad mom?  This is a lie, but it's something that I can't get out of my mind... I don't think this about other moms that work full time, so why do I believe this lie about myself?
Can I handle teaching full time?  If God opens the door, I know that He'll be with me.
On one hand, I get to teach 8th grade English at Wylie, on the other hand, I get to teach reading and language arts to kids who don't have many resources.  I would be making a difference in the lives of children and their families.
On one hand I get to teach part time, on the other hand, I get to have a long term career.

Those are just a few of the thoughts... I am trying to let go and just be patient, but it's tough.  I know, from things that have happened in the past, that if I let go, God works everything out perfectly.  So, I'm attempting to let go :).

The hardest part of this is that Wylie needs to know something soon.  So, I don't have a lot of time.  But, God knows that.  God knows more than I do :).  He knows who is going to teach at each school... and it will be the right fit.

The cool thing is, childcare is worked out either way.
The person that will be watching them on MWF works at a mother's day out on T/Th and said that she would be glad to take the kids with her :).  I emailed that mother's day out and she has openings and it's not ridiculously expensive, and it's a great program...

So, I just have to wait...

Hopefully I'll interview this afternoon :).  We'll see!

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