I've been struggling to write lately, and I'm not exactly sure why. I always have a lot of thoughts in my head, but lately I haven't known how to put those thoughts together. On one hand, life is so good and I feel that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, on the other hand, I'm sad... sad about the loss of a dream.
I woke up this morning at 4:30 because of a dream that was crying in. I was crying because I was having to explain why I'm not teaching anymore. This is one of the reasons why I don't show up at school more to have lunch with the kids and volunteer. It's really hard to explain why I'm not teaching anymore. In fact, to most people, I just tell them that it is health related. They then say that I have to do what's best for me, or they look at me like I'm crazy.
I know in my head that I have to do what's best for me. I know in my head that I really didn't have a choice... my doctors, counselors, and husband all thought that I wouldn't really get better if I was teaching full time. I know in my head that teaching full time just isn't for me right now. But my heart tells me other things. In my heart, I gave up my dream position. Again. And I'm worried that I will never again be able to teach full time.
I just go back to this verse... "...for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." 1 John 3:20
God knew that this was going to happen, He isn't surprised by it, and He has a plan for it. That's truth. I can't allow my heart to condemn me by telling me that I "gave up" something that He knew I would have to "give up." I can't let my heart condemn me by telling me that I will never be able to work full time again. It's all a matter of letting go and trusting Him with all of this. He has a plan that is greater than anything I could ask or imagine, and I have to trust that.
I don't understand it, but there's a reason why I got the position at this school, in this district, only to have to resign. He knows why. I don't. But I can trust that He has a perfectly good reason for it.
There are a lot of things that I truly don't understand right now, but I am trying to trust that He will show us the meaning behind it all one day.
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
It's really all about Him anyway. His glory. His purpose.