Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Still Fighting

I have really been struggling with anxiety lately.  And before I went into the hospital and starting getting help, I would have just isolated.  Instead, I am fighting.

I do anything that I can to not isolate.  Sometimes, I retreat into my room for a little while, but I always do that with the intention of coming back out... I don't lay down, and I don't allow myself to spend more than an hour or so alone.  This is big.

I also make sure to call my doctor when I see patterns that aren't getting better.  I will talk with my counselor today and Thursday.  I have an incredible support team that makes this easier (though it's not easy, it's easier).

Unfortunately, my doctor won't be taking my insurance after May 12, so I'm hoping to get things more settled by then!  God has perfect timing, so I trust Him.  I have really loved having her as my doctor because she's very proactive, yet conservative.  She doesn't just throw meds at me (in fact, she's trying to narrow things down so I'm not on so many), and she talks about more than just meds... there are many things involved in treatment including using relaxation techniques and coping skills.  Meds help, but they are NOT going to heal me... just help me get the right help that I need.  I also can call and leave a message and she calls me back pretty quickly!  For example, yesterday, after feeling incredibly anxious for days, I decided to call her because she was weaning me off of a medication.  She called me back and we discussed changing our plan.  Over the phone.  It was as if I had come in to see her!  So far, today, I'm feeling better.  We'll see!
All this to say, a strong support team is SO important and absolutely necessary in the process of trying to get better.  I know that I cannot live my life in an anxious mess, so I must try to get things worked out.  I want to be stable for more than a few days at a time.  I need to be stable for my family.

Robert and I are planning a short trip to the Ouachita Mountains to backpack.  We only have to pay for the gas because we have all the gear and backpacking food that we need; and while we can't even afford the gas, it's worth it for my mental health.  I'm literally craving it.  I need the outdoors.  It's part of my coping skills.  Then, we're going with the junior high leadership again in May to Colorado to scout out some trails for the summer trip that we're taking.  I cannot wait for all of these backpacking trips.  Some how we will make it work financially to be able to go.  I think it will really benefit my mental health!  Luckily, that trip will only cost us a fraction of the gas, and that's all.

I feel the need to justify going on these trips because we're struggling financially... but I think of it about like I think of going to the doctor and counselor.  These trips are like therapy for me.

God will provide, just like he always does.  And Robert is sold on my staying home now and he says he will work as many side jobs as he needs to in order to provide for our family.  He wants me to focus on getting better and being able to take care of our home and family.  He is loving it.  Which definitely helps me to relax more and trust that he really means that. He trusts God to provide as well, just as He always has.

This path to healing is a tough one.  Some days I feel like I have fought it and won, and some days I feel as though I'm just getting started.  I constantly have to remind myself that I need to take it one day at a time.  And to keep fighting because with Jesus, this battle will be won.  I believe that Jesus has great things planned for His glory through this.


Cristi said...

I think you are doing great. The fighting can be hard but you are doing it! and it is SOO worth it. Trusting in God is important and at times it is all that we have. But our God who loves us with an everlasting love, will be with you.

Courtney said...

Thanks, Cristi :-)