Monday, March 17, 2014
Perfectionism, Part 2: Growing Where I'm Planted
I wrote yesterday how a lot of my anxiety comes from my perfectionism. It's so interesting to see how perfectionism creeps into my heart and mind without me even realizing it. I started feeling anxious again this morning and realized it was because of feeling imperfect.
Doing things the "right way" is every where. From books to blog posts to Facebook. It's so easy to think that what I'm doing is "not enough" just about 24/7.
There are blog posts that are circulating on Facebook right now that are good and helpful for some, but for me, it just reminds me of what I feel I should be doing...
I was reading a book the other day (I won't mention which one), and I felt immediate guilt for messing up in the area of finances. So much of the time, books and blogs just make me feel even more like I need to be perfect.
I just feel like I'm never enough.
What is enough?
How do I know if I am enough?
I just am. God has created me the way that I am for a reason and a purpose. Trying to be perfect in every area just robs me of the joy that He has given me by His Spirit.
Where is the line between striving for perfection and striving for His will? I'm not sure yet. I know that He doesn't want me to waste money, to be in debt, to eat horribly, to yell at my kids, to be online too much and wasting time, to be a bad steward of the things He has given me, but when striving for good things comes before Him, then it's too much.
Today, I strive for balance. I'm not perfect and I never will be. I just want to live life and let little things go. I want to enjoy the little things and not worry about everything. I'm working on it. I know that God will bring me to this point one day; I can feel it. He wants me to be mentally healthy. He wants me to have joy. He doesn't want me to focus on things that aren't supposed to be focused on.
Today, I won't worry about a semi-messy house, allowing my kids to just relax, financial things that are out of my control (and even things that are in my control), getting side jobs, what may or may not happen in the fall with part time jobs, a little higher numbers on the scale, all that I feel I need to get done, the inability to get everything done that I would like to get done, and I will focus on God's truth.
What is true? He loves me right where I am. He loves you right where you are. I don't have to change. You don't have to change.
What is helpful? Focusing on things other than Him is not helpful. Focusing on being perfect in any area is not helpful. Focusing on Him and just living is helpful.
What is inspiring? Helping others with what I've learned through my illness.
What is necessary? Just living life... even though that means mess much of the time
What is kind? Kind to myself- just being okay with who I am today. Not expecting myself to be "better" or "different." Kind to others- allowing God to use me to bless others.
I can learn to not be anxious about everything. I can learn to just live and enjoy life. I just have to do it, and trust that He will help me along the way.
I am learning to grow where I'm planted, even if the conditions aren't perfect.