The view of my running path this morning.
I have so many things on my mind that I'm not even sure where to begin, yet all I can hear in the back of my mind is "put one foot in front of the other."
It's so easy to get bogged down. With my thoughts. I have too many. So many that my thoughts are often what cause my anxiety. The "what ifs" and "only ifs" and "whys" and "ughs." I just cannot let go so much of the time. I cause my own anxiety by my perfectionism and lack of boundaries and codependency. I often cause my own anxiety because I want to be able to do things in a certain way, and when I can't (because no one can), I shut down.
This morning, I woke up with severe anxiety. I had a rough night of sleep, tossing and turning, and several stressful dreams. I woke up with the same anxiety that I felt in my dreams. Robert suggested going running... My immediate though most days is "I don't wanna." I realized this morning that I really struggle with wanting to because I feel that I will fail. I don't want to start because I'm afraid I won't keep going. I mean, that is what has happened in the past.
Yet I cannot help but remember just how good I felt when I was consistent with running and eating well (in a balanced way).
The whole time I ran (well, walked/jogged), I was constantly reminded of how good things were when I was consistent with this.
Who cares that I'm having to start all over. It felt so good just getting out and being active again. Putting one foot in front of the other. Getting in 3 miles of walking/jogging, even though much of that was walking. Who cares? I got out there. I was active for about 35-40 minutes. It felt so good. Then I came home and had a yummy, nourishing green smoothie for breakfast.
My goal today is to put one foot in front of the other. To take one day at a time. To make it a goal to be more active and to eat healthier for the sake of my mental/emotional/physical health. To not care how much I weigh, but to care how I feel. To pick myself back up when I fail and don't get out there to exercise or when I eat something I "shouldn't." It's all about balance any way. I need to be okay with whatever decision I make.
Today I have decided to be intentional about my mental health. To be intentional about being healthy. To not allow my diagnosis of severe anxiety and depression to be my identity, but to put one foot in front of the other and allow myself to feel better. It's a decision that I have to make. I cannot and will not bow down to the things that I struggle with.
Through Jesus, I have the strength to get through each day and to not bow down to my anxiety and depression. Jesus is my hope and power. He will help me do what I need to do to feel at peace and be able to serve Him wholeheartedly.
Because I have had great success with this in the past, I'm going to try out My Fitness Pal again to just be more mindful of what I'm putting in my mouth and how much I'm exercising. It's a great way to keep myself accountable to being active and eating well. I don't care so much about the calories that I eat, but WHAT I am putting in my mouth.
Look me up on My Fitness Pal and we can keep each other accountable :-). My screen name is mamacrosland!
Until next time...