Monday, January 4, 2010

The Process of Grieving

I've never lost anyone close to me before.  I guess that's good, and pretty normal.  But, it has made this whole grieving process interesting for me. 

One of my aunts told my mom that she doesn't think that I've dealt with the loss of my brother yet.  She thinks it's going to hit me all of a sudden one day. 

Maybe she's right.  My brother's death STILL doesn't seem all that real to me.  It really just seems like he's away.  And, I think that's okay.  I delight in focusing on the good things that are going on in my life right now, and I don't think that's bad.  I feel like people expect me to be falling apart and act like life is horrible.  I can't feel that way.  I know that God is in control, and He will be there when/if it's time to "fall apart."  Until then, I need to just live life for my family and focus on the blessings that He has given our family.  It doesn't mean that I didn't/don't love my brother.  It just means that that's how I am having to live right now. 

I have little moments throughout the day in which I think about my brother, think about the horrible way he died, think about the difficulty for my parents, think about how much life will be different without Joey here (especially since I have no other siblings), etc.  I have moments in which I cry, especially when Karis says something about him.  A week ago, Karis was talking about her uncle Joey.  She said, "one time I tickled Uncle Joey and he laughed a lot."  It makes me happy that she can remember him laughing.  I think it helps her to remember the good times as well.  She's young, but she knows that he has been VERY unhappy over the past year, and she knows that he has been "sick."  She knows that he's been in the hospital a lot, and that he hasn't been himself.  But, she also knows that he loved her and loved to play with her.  I think she really misses him, but luckily kids can handle death pretty well.

I choose to be happy for Joey.  I choose to know that He's in a much better place, praising God.  I choose to just be there for my parents whenever and however I can. 

I choose to be honest and say that I don't know HOW to grieve, that I am just doing the best that I can, and to focus on the blessings that the Lord has given our family.

If this doesn't even make sense, that's okay.  It doesn't really even make sense to me :).  I just wanted to try to write what was going through my head.

3 comments:

The Man Crew said...

Sounds like you are doing a good job of grieving to me...some people don't 'go to pieces' they deal with it in other ways. Like a renewed focus on family, seeing the blessings that are in their lives or seeking God more intently. You ARE dealing, Courtney, just in your own way...and that's OK! Hugs to you and know that we are praying for you!!
Blessings,
Kristy

The Man Crew said...

PS...got your message about the cover...that's the same one I have : ) Hope you enjoy it!

McCoys said...

Courtney,

Everything you have written above, is how I was when my brother died. It didn't seem real yet, and everyone of our family and friends were crying all the time, and so torn up. I felt it all in slow motion. I was sick to my stomach, and I guess just in shock. Greiving is so different for everyone, it's God's way of giving us just what we can handle, when we are ready for it. I completely trust the Lord that he knew why he took him when he did. No, it didn't make sense to us. My brother just graduated from Semmenary in Ft. Worth, just took the job as our music minister at this church, but he took him. Just as he and his wife bought their first house, boxes still packed, and they were trying to have children. Why? God knows and only him. I have that peace, but my family has confusion, questions, anger..... All this just to say, I know how your feeling, and I think your doing a great job describing and dealing with it. Also, about Karis, when my brother died, it was so hard on Abigail, she was 3 at the time, Keelin was 2 months old. I found a book on greif for children, I think it's called, I miss you, and to this day Abigail still reads it, it has helped her so much. I'll get the exact name and author for you. It was just a cheap book I picked up at book a million or somewhere. On the inside of the book, I placed a picture of my brother carrying Abigail piggy bag, and wrote some memories I have of the two of them. You could do the same somewhere and frame it for Karis! It would be something she'll cherish forever! Hope this brings some encouragment your way! Angie