I've never lost anyone close to me before. I guess that's good, and pretty normal. But, it has made this whole grieving process interesting for me.
One of my aunts told my mom that she doesn't think that I've dealt with the loss of my brother yet. She thinks it's going to hit me all of a sudden one day.
Maybe she's right. My brother's death STILL doesn't seem all that real to me. It really just seems like he's away. And, I think that's okay. I delight in focusing on the good things that are going on in my life right now, and I don't think that's bad. I feel like people expect me to be falling apart and act like life is horrible. I can't feel that way. I know that God is in control, and He will be there when/if it's time to "fall apart." Until then, I need to just live life for my family and focus on the blessings that He has given our family. It doesn't mean that I didn't/don't love my brother. It just means that that's how I am having to live right now.
I have little moments throughout the day in which I think about my brother, think about the horrible way he died, think about the difficulty for my parents, think about how much life will be different without Joey here (especially since I have no other siblings), etc. I have moments in which I cry, especially when Karis says something about him. A week ago, Karis was talking about her uncle Joey. She said, "one time I tickled Uncle Joey and he laughed a lot." It makes me happy that she can remember him laughing. I think it helps her to remember the good times as well. She's young, but she knows that he has been VERY unhappy over the past year, and she knows that he has been "sick." She knows that he's been in the hospital a lot, and that he hasn't been himself. But, she also knows that he loved her and loved to play with her. I think she really misses him, but luckily kids can handle death pretty well.
I choose to be happy for Joey. I choose to know that He's in a much better place, praising God. I choose to just be there for my parents whenever and however I can.
I choose to be honest and say that I don't know HOW to grieve, that I am just doing the best that I can, and to focus on the blessings that the Lord has given our family.
If this doesn't even make sense, that's okay. It doesn't really even make sense to me :). I just wanted to try to write what was going through my head.