It's funny. We are in a place in life in which things are finally not constantly changing. We are settled where we are, and we're content with where God has placed us. This is the first time since we've been married (and for me, since I graduated high school). Even though we are finally in this place, life never calms down :). I am learning that walking with the Lord isn't ever "comfortable." I'm beginning to be okay with that. Being at camp means that there will always be crazy days, and we never know what the day will hold from one day to the next. That's the beauty of ministry. This isn't just a season because this is what we are called to. The same goes for just being a parent. Craziness is just part of life.
Some days I feel like I've got it all figured out; other days, I feel like I have NOTHING figured out. Some days I have my mind set about something; the next day I'm not so sure. Ultimately, God is sovereign. I am just a human living in a broken, messed up world, with broken, messed up people (myself included!). I am constantly reminded of the gospel. Praise God that I don't have to suffer judgment for all the stupid decisions that I make and the horrible attitudes that I have at times. Some days my sin just breaks me… I have to lay it at the foot of the cross and move forward. If I wallow in my dirty sin, Satan is winning. God knows my heart, and He desires to take those things from me.
I'm so thankful for the life that God has blessed me with. I have a relationship with my Creator; a wonderful, godly husband; two amazing, beautiful children; I am able to just work part time (at a wonderful place); I have a beautiful home (provided by the camp!); and we are in need of NOTHING (of course, even in the hardest times financially, we were never in need; God always provides!).
I am blessed to have had a wonderful homebirth with Ethan, and I love to share that experience! It is hard at times because most people don't understand it and think I'm just weird :). I am blessed to have the opportunity to learn a lot about doing things naturally; it is so much better than the way I used to do things. I still struggle with this at times, especially when we're not home. But, I'm getting there. Baby steps.
We still struggle, at times, with following a budget. We still struggle with wasting money. Robert and I aren't savers; we're both spenders. But, we're getting there. Baby steps. We have been blessed with the opportunity to pay off a significant amount of debt, in a short period of time. Praise God. We couldn't have done it without Him. This put us much further ahead than we could have imagined a year ago. We have come a long way.
I still struggle with getting up early enough to have a true quiet time with my Savior every morning. But, I am at a place in which I HAVE to have some kind of time with Him, or it's hard to function. That's a good place to be. My reliance upon Him has grown significantly with-in the past few years. I still have a long way to go, but don't we all? I'm thankful that when I don't rely on Him, things start falling apart.
I still struggle with being self-centered and think that everyone should think the same way I do. I have made great strides in this area, but I still fall. I have always been a talker, and I need to learn to be a listener. I need to learn to put others before myself; I need to learn to love others before myself. I am getting there. Baby steps.
This song by Ginny Owens is amazing. Meditate on these lyrics:
Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed