Sunday, February 23, 2014
I admit it... one of my biggest struggles is control. I want to be able to control my world... control my kids... control my home... control the chaos.
I realized last night that the anxiety that I've been feeling the past few days was actually all because of not being in control.
When I resigned from my job, I felt peace about it because I knew that it was God's plan. I knew that I had to focus on getting better, and I couldn't do that while teaching and taking care of my family at the same time. I knew that my job was only making things worse with my anxiety and depression. Robert knew as well that this was for the best.
Even though I felt peace, guilt began to creep in. I felt guilty that I left my students mid-year. I felt guilty that I left my team mid-year. I felt guilty that I left, in general...
I also felt guilty that I left a job that was helping our family financially. I felt that if we struggle now, it will be all my fault.
All of my guilt and shame from leaving my job has caused some anxiety in me, which is doing the opposite of what I believe God wants for me in this. I have been trying to control the situation lately because I thought it would help me feel better.
I looked for a part-time job. I began creating side jobs. I began focusing on those side jobs and assuming that we some how wouldn't make it without them.
Robert reminded me last night... God made it clear that it was time to resign... He has a PLAN. It's not about finding a part-time or side job... I need to focus on getting better. If some side jobs come, GREAT... but He will bring them, not me.
I need to go back to my THINK coping mechanism when over-thinking things:
Is it true? Helpful? Inspiring? Necessary? Kind?
My thoughts lately have not been any of these. So, I go back to God's word... He has a plan for His will... He works everything for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose... He will provide for all of our needs...
Trusting Him is probably part of His plan in all of this. I need to let go of control and give it to Him. He knows what's best.