Lots On My Mind

I feel like I always have so much running through my mind.  I know that's a female thing in a lot of ways, but I think I have more than usual going through my mind.  This post may be somewhat random and hard to follow, but that's what my mind is like right now...

Outpatient therapy is intense.  It's mentally/emotionally exhausting.  Not only do I share each day, but I give feedback to those who share.  It's group therapy.  

The day starts with some education- codependency, boundaries, affirmations, stages of grief, etc.  

We then have a break and move on to processing.  We process for about 2 1/2 hours.  We have lunch, then we process more.  The end of the day is either yoga, other exercise, or we leave.  

Processing is the hardest part.  We either sit and listen (and give feedback) or we talk.  Talking about my issues is harder than I thought it would be.  I've begun to see that there are so many layers that I have to peel back and work through.  

Today I started talking about my guilt for everyone having to help me, and ended up talking about some things from my adolescence that came up (about Joey).  Whew.  I have a lot of issues to work through. Who knew.

I do struggle with feeling guilty.  We have so much support; I have so much support.  My husband has been amazing.  He works all day, then takes care of the laundry, dishes, cleans up the house, and takes care of the kids.  I fill in the gaps a bit, but that's about all I can do.  I literally have no energy when I get home.  I can't handle the loudness of the kids.  I'm just worn.  Completely and utterly worn.  

We have people bringing us food, helping us with the kids, hiring someone to clean our house, etc... Our church family has been so awesome with everything.  I could never thank them enough.  I have never seen anything like it.  Ever.  

And instead of feeling thankful and deserving, I feel guilty and undeserving.  

I worked through some things today with this... why do I feel undeserving?  Do I have one valid reason to feel undeserving?  Nope.  Couldn't come up with one.  

I realized that one of my biggest issues is I still have a hard time with the fact that this... this frustrating thing about myself... is an illness.  I didn't choose it.  I'm not making it up.  I don't want it.  But just like anyone else with an illness, they have to live with it and learn to manage it.  Sometimes illnesses make people end up in the hospital... and that's what happened to me.  Thing is, I've always felt this way... so I feel that it's not any different than any other day.  I've made it through this long feeling this way.

But, I am tired of feeling this way.  So, I am having to learn to accept help.  Accept meals.  Accepts help with the kids.  Accept someone cleaning my house.  Accept gift cards to Chick Fil A.  Accept flowers by a childhood friend.  Accept cards from family and friends.  Accept the fact that my husband has to really work harder right now to take care of things.  

Accept the fact that this is an illness that landed me in the hospital because my panic attack was so bad that my blood pressure was 163/102.  I was having so much trouble functioning.  

And sadly, accept the fact that I can't teach.  I've tried so many times.  I've taught a full year, then left mid-year the next year three times.  THREE times.  I feel so flaky, but just as my principal says... I'm not flaky... I just have an illness that I'm finally taking care of.  

And on top of the illness, I have a lot of trauma and emotional baggage that I've been holding onto for so many years.  Which doesn't help.  At all.  

I still have a hard time accepting the trauma as part of my life, but it is... and I need to work through it before I can get better.  

I'm going to start this process by writing a letter to my brother.  

Please be praying for me because it's going to be difficult.  

Until next time...