Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Here I am!

One of the things that I've realized over the past few weeks is that my lack of boundaries has caused me to not really know who it is that I am.

I flip-flop from one thing to the next, try different jobs, have no balance, and I have been just plain confused. This doesn't help a person with anxiety ;-).

And a lot of times, my people pleasing ways made me not sure what to do or think.

One of the things that I did last week was sit down and make a list... all the things I could think of... little and big... of what I wanted and needed... I also just wrote down some things that I want to do or get back to.  It was fun just thinking about... what do I want?  What do I enjoy?  What do I need?  And... most importantly... what is God calling me to at this point in my life?

My top priority (besides Jesus) is my family.  My husband gives and gives and gives and I want to start giving back (when I'm strong enough, of course!).  I haven't shown him the kind of love that he deserves in a long time, and I cannot wait until he can be above everything else in my priorities.



My kids have suffered for a long time because of my mental health.  I'm excited about being able to work with them more... help Ethan more with reading and math... work with Levi more... Listen to Karis read (she's a great reader!)... PLAY with them.  These are all things that I have wanted to WANT to do... and now I want to.   I did lots of drawing, coloring, and crafts last week and had a blast.  It is so relaxing!  And the kids love it!  What a great way to bond with my babies :-).  Again, it'll take a little while until I'm ready to really "dive in," but I'm getting there.



I know that teaching is my calling, but in this new season, I'm not sure how that will look.  I will grieve leaving my job because I do love my kiddos and teaching in general.  It's just not the right season for it.  I need to get well.
I still have my childbirth education training to finish, which is a great way to teach... but I'm also thinking of going back to the preschool next year, part time (if they would have me back).  I've even thought about becoming a prenatal yoga instructor to go with the childbirth education, but it's expensive to get certified ;-). One thing at a time...



I think the biggest thing is that I will use my gift of teaching right now to work with my kids.  Ethan especially is struggling, so I know he needs me.  He's a smart kiddo, but he's smarter in the area of common sense. Reading and math are hard for him.  He's also only in kindergarten, so I know he'll "get it" eventually!

I love to bake, and even though I know I don't have to bake homemade foods for my family, it's therapeutic for me.  I want to.  I also love baking healthy foods knowing that I'm nourishing my family.  Every time I bake, it puts me in a good mood!



I'm going to start using and selling Young Living Essential Oils.  I have heard of all the benefits of them and recently have been actually experiencing those benefits.  Along with my meds, the oils help my anxiety quite a bit.  I also love Thieves oil for so many things... including the fact that it helped when I had strep (it was gone really quickly because of Thieves!).  I have SO much to learn, but I'm excited about it.  I had a massage yesterday from a friend who is a licensed massage therapist, and she used some oils.  I absolutely loved it. My favorite is one called Stress Away.  The smell is amazing, and it really took my stress away yesterday!
I ordered the Premium Starter Kit because it comes with the Essential 7 Collection, Stress Away, and even a diffuser that is normally super expensive.  I never thought that I would end up "getting into" oils, but I am!

One thing I have realized lately is that I absolutely love Yoga.  Between my video at home and doing it in the hospital, I have decided that it's my favorite way to exercise.  Not only is it a good workout (I'm always sore afterwords!), but it is incredibly relaxing.  It's a workout without feeling like one, and it helps with my anxiety... can't go wrong with that!  I'm going to try to start doing yoga daily!  I enjoy running as well, but I think I will do yoga more often than running :-).  



I also really miss having chickens.  I gave ours to my dad because I just couldn't take care of them.  With working full time, I felt like they were being neglected.  We will wait a little while, but we will get some more. We're thinking about getting them as chicks this time and raise them :-).  Around Easter is a good time for that.  I have started prepping for my garden as well :-).  I'll keep it simple this year... some squash, zucchini, tomatoes, onions, and green beans probably.  Maybe kale... but I've never been good at growing that ;-).  I can always try again!  We have some leaves ready for a compost bin... we just have to build it.  Just need a little bit of time, which is hard to come by at the moment!



I'm going to spend some more time simplifying.  I need to get rid of more things, and make our small home less cluttered.  I love having a small home, but it gets cluttered very easily!  Stuff = stress.  I have been working on arranging it in a way that makes me happy, but some things just need to go!



I'm looking forward to having more time to spend time outdoors.  Being outside is so beneficial for me... well, really for anyone.  I just have to make sure I am very intentional about this... It's easy for me to isolate indoors.



Soon, I will start working with the junior high again.  I miss that so much.  I feel that working with them is a calling from God, and I haven't been because of my busyness and illness... I'm hoping that I'll be in a place to pick this back up soon!  I know I will for sure be doing some trips this summer!

Oh, and I'm getting a nose piercing today.  I have wanted one for 8 years and haven't gotten it because I've been worried what people think... I just don't care anymore.  It doesn't affect anyone else, so it just doesn't matter.  It's those little things that I have allowed to control me, and I am done being controlled by what others think or what I think they think.  I am ME.  I can make my own choices.  And this is freeing!

Watch out, world!  Here I am!

1 comment:

Jess said...

Sweet Courtney! You know that He who began this good work in you is going to see it through to completion. Stand firm on the promise. Your raw honesty in sharing what you have is a true testimony to where you've been, where you are, and where you're headed - to God be the glory. Know that you are covered in prayer, sweet Courtney.