Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I have been awake since about 2:15 when my daughter came busting through the door because of a bad dream.  I became wide awake and decided to just get up.  Trying to go back to sleep only makes me frustrated.

I'm so glad I got up.  I know that I need sleep, but I went to bed super early so I'm not worried about it.

I've been meditating on a lot of scripture this morning, and God is revealing something very important to me. 

You see, I have created this identity for myself.  

I am Courtney, you know, the one with a mental illness.  The one who is faulted because of depression and anxiety.  The one who lives with this illness that keeps following her where ever she goes.  The one that makes it hard for her to work full time.  The one who doesn't love herself because it sounds so cliche (and selfish for that matter).  

I read this blog post the other day: We must learn to love self so we can learn to love others.

It spoke so deeply to me, but I couldn't verbalize why.

I realized this morning that the reason is that not only do I not love myself, I live with this certain identity that isn't meant for me to live with.  

I have been transformed by/in Christ.  This means metamorphosis- I am a new creation.  I have been snatched from the hands of this illness.  He has delivered me from the darkness.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  

 Photo credit: ( izabelha

Until I love myself and find my identity in Him, I will not move past this.  I am His beautiful creation, and just as my friend's blog post says... I am enough.  Right here.  Right now.  Without any change.  

Not a future version of me... but me... 

"I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me,is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” 
John 10:28-30

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you."
Psalm 139:14-18

"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 4:18

"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
Colossians 1:13

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 
Until next time... 

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